I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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