Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
