So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize