Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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