What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
