now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
A+ Viking dick
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
