Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
