everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Pants are for mortals
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
