Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
