My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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