i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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