GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
