dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
