Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
