Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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