if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
