I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
