I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
