Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
