I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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