i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize