3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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