brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
