Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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