Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Randomize
