ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
