Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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