i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
