i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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