Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
