is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
