im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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