My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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