I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
