Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you didnt know i had herpes?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
