I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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