And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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