She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
