I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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