i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
