Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
