My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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