i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
