During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
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