If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Quick, to the slutcave!
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize