I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
