She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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