I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
