The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize