Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
