his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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