So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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