Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
