things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
