It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
