Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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