at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
