my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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