It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
