Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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