I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
