On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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